The Waleses never thought that the leopards would eat *their* faces

The Telegraph was one of several major outlets trying to explain just how the disappearance of the Princess of Wales has become such a major international story. To be fair, I think once we passed the two-month mark without hearing from or seeing Kate, there would have always been drama. But the drama was definitely compounded when Prince William skipped King Constantine’s memorial service at the last minute, citing “personal reasons.” That seemed like the final straw or the dam breaking or whatever metaphor you want – there was no turning back, and Kensington Palace’s incompetence in dealing with the conversations and conspiracies has made matters worse. So, the Telegraph did a lengthy piece called “How a week of Princess of Wales conspiracies are testing royal tradition; Amid a torrent of social media rumours speculating on Kate’s health, can the policy of ‘never complain, never explain’ continue to hold?” Hannah Furness actually got some panicky quotes from royal insiders who are insisting that Kate is absolutely fine, she just won’t be seen for a while.

Kate’s absence: It has been 68 days, the internet will tell you, since the public saw “Kate Middleton”. That she is recovering from major surgery at home – the explanation offered freely, clearly and repeatedly by the palace – is not enough to satisfy modern curiosity. According to social media, overseas websites and WhatsApp groups across the country, she may instead be hiding in a mystery location, in a coma, being cloned, having “Brazilian butt lift” cosmetic surgery, or waiting for a bad haircut to grow out. For the avoidance of doubt: she isn’t.

Never complain, never explain: In the absence of a stream of updates from Kensington Palace about the Princess, there comes the wisdom of social media conspiracy theorists and trolls making mischief – some glib, others (in light of the Princess’s inarguable medical needs) grimly sinister. The old palace policy of “never complain, never explain” is being tested to destruction.

Will & Kate’s spokesperson: “From our perspective, we were very clear from our statement at the start of this in January that the Princess of Wales planned to be out of public action until after Easter, and that hasn’t changed,” says a spokesman for the Waleses. We were always clear we wouldn’t be providing updates when there wasn’t anything new to share. The last thing anyone wants is a running commentary of the Princess of Wales’s recovery. Nothing has changed from that approach in January.”

All of the conspiracies & jokes about Kate: “Some of it’s funny, I guess?” said one source. “More of it is pretty uncomfortable, when you remember this is a real person they’re talking about.” Add in a new media landscape where anyone can set themselves up as a “royal expert”, it all has an air of spiralling out of control. Much of the divisive disinformation about the Royal family is assumed to have been spread by bots and trolls, but there are now countless social media accounts dedicated to obsessive fandoms cheering on either the Sussexes or the Waleses at the expense of the other. TikTok influencers who discuss royal events from thousands of miles away, having never set foot in a room with a royal or anyone who knows them, garner multi-millions of views by virtue of being outside the “mainstream media”.

The Spanish reports of Kate’s coma: Even the more traditional parts of the media have played a part – overseas. A detailed report on a popular Spanish television news programme, alleging that the Princess was in a coma, is still being widely discussed despite being denied in full by a royal aide. All in, the palaces now face an ungovernable cycle of new media which is meddling with its protocols like never before.

KP is mad that Buckingham Palace makes them look bad: Part of the problem, one old hand points out, is the difference in the responses between the palaces: Kensington representing the Waleses and Buckingham representing the King and Queen. “The public just doesn’t know what to expect,” the source noted. “One day they’re hearing all about the King’s prostate, the next they’re not hearing why William has missed his godfather’s memorial. Neither of those approaches are necessarily right or wrong, but you can see why the general public are confused.” Another said: “I honestly don’t think there’s any mystery or need to panic.”

No proof of life for Kate: After calls for the Princess to pose for photographs as evidence of her whereabouts, one source says: “Why should she? Truly, I don’t get it. In what other circumstance would a woman take sick leave after a major operation, and instead of being allowed to recover she’s supposed to pose for pictures?”

Friends of the Waleses: The truth about the Princess’s health, say friends of the Waleses, is not salacious. She is doing well; she will be fine; her recovery is tiring and necessarily long. She did not stay in hospital for two weeks through private healthcare decadence or – as some ill-thought-through online theories would have – to get some peace and quiet: it was, literally, for the good of her health.

Again, KP is mad that BP makes them look bad: “They need to be aligned in their approach,” says a former royal adviser. “At the moment, one palace never explains, the other is always explaining.”

[From The Telegraph]

Please, this is delicious. It’s the “I never thought leopards would eat MY face” of royal gossip. Remember when Kate was set up as the perfect princess who always did her duty and posed for photos because she could always be counted on to dutifully follow the terms of the invisible contract, so long as she was set up as the perfect (white) princess? And now we’ve got “of course Kate will not pose for photos after going missing for 70 days, how dare you even suggest that!” There are multiple stories happening all at once here – one story about what is really going on with Kate, one story about Kensington Palace’s incompetence with managing the unfolding crisis, and one story about how KP and Buckingham Palace are fighting because Charles is running circles around William’s incompetent ass.

Top 10 stories about Princess Kate’s hospitalization and disappearance

Princess Kate has been missing for over two months, with the only explanation that she’s recovering from a planned abdominal surgery. Get our top 10 stories about this when you sign up for our mailing list. – Katie at Celebitchy

Photos courtesy of Avalon Red, Backgrid, Cover Images.

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